My vacation crisis and leadership breakthrough —all in HBR

It’s funny… every time I work on something important — like my book or my latest article in Harvard Business Review — life seems to test me on the exact insight I’m writing about.

This last one? It hurt.

My husband, Ilya, and I were finally taking a long-overdue vacation. No kids. No work. Just us, remembering ourselves. My parents cleared their schedules to help. I had been craving this for years. We planned a trip to Mexico City —for the food, the art, the thrill of being somewhere new.

While we were packing, Ilya asked me to grab the passports to check us in. I opened them up and my stomach dropped.

His passport expired.

I was shocked. Angry. Devastated. Embarrassed. This was our only window.

How did we miss this?

Ilya jumped into action — making calls, rushing to the passport office. I stayed home, frozen. Should we cancel? Should I go alone? I couldn’t think. I couldn’t pack. I was just... stuck.

When he got back, he shot upstairs to finish work.

“Ilya,” I asked, “can we just connect for a minute?”

He brushed past me: “I’m in problem-solving mode. This isn’t the time.”

That moment broke me.

It wasn’t just about the vacation anymore. A deeper pain was triggered — the feeling of not being seen. An old, familiar wound came roaring back.

But here’s the thing: what Ilya did is what so many of us do — not out of neglect, but because it feels like the only way to survive the moment. At work, leaders are driven by the same constraints:

1. Problem-solving instinct. Leaders are trained to fix, not feel. But employees often need connection before they need solutions.

2. Time scarcity. Leaders believe taking the time to attune to their employees seems like a distraction from work. In reality, it enables work by dissolving emotional resistance and increasing trust.

3. Stress. You can’t attune if you’re trapped in your own stress response. Chronic overload or trauma histories can keep leaders in fight, flight, or freeze — unable to hold space for others.

As if on cue, Lisa — my co-author and dear friend, called. She immediately heard something was wrong in my voice.

She wanted to touch base on our article… but in that moment, she switched gears instantly. "What's going on?"

She attuned.

Attunement is the art of full-body, non-judgmental presence. It's about being with another person instead of trying to change them or the situation. It’s when you deeply notice, actively listen, and signal to another: I see you. I understand you. You are safe here.  

By the end of our call I shifted. My breath slowed. My tears dried. My mind got back online.

Eventually it took me 10 minutes (with a little help from ChatGPT), to reroute us to New Mexico!

Once we landed in Santa Fe, we were back in harmony. We loved the art, delicious food, and nature.  

While driving through the desert, Ilya and I reflected on day before.

“I wish you would've taken just a minute to connect when we were in it,” I told him.

“I know that’s what you wanted,” he said, “but I honestly didn’t see the point. I needed to get things done.”

I laughed at the irony: “This is exactly what Lisa and I are writing about for our HBR piece.”

“One minute of just being with me,” I said, “would’ve changed everything. Even just: ‘This sucks. I’m sorry. I've got you. What's going on for you?.’ That would have helped me reset. Isn’t it proof enough that I planned an entirely new trip within minutes—after Lisa attuned?"

I pointed out how when Ilya pushed forward it left me alone in a tidal wave of emotion. And that slowed us both down.

Ilya let that sink in. He was surprised by how powerful and important his presence—not his problem-solving—was to me.

The truth is, we all forget. We underestimate how transformative it is simply to attune.

This is the insight Lisa and I explore in our new piece for Harvard Business Review:‍ When the Best Leadership Skill is Just Being Present

It doesn’t take much. It doesn’t take long. But it changes everything—in families, in leadership, in company culture.

If this resonates, read it, try it, and share it. And if you’d like to bring Lisa and me to your next leadership retreat, team offsite, or conference, just reply to this email. We’d love to support your leaders in learning how presence powers performance.

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