Fragilizing - on being destructively gentle

Recently, I was on a coaching call with a Vice President at a tech company preparing for a difficult conversation. A high-potential, ambitious team member wanted to step into a Director role but he clearly wasn't ready.

My client hesitated to tell him why because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings or discourage him.

This is where many well-intentioned leaders get stuck, especially those newer to leadership. They want to uplift and empower. But in trying to protect people from discomfort, they end up protecting them from growth.

This is fragilizing.

When we withhold clear, timely feedback in the name of kindness, we don’t make people stronger. We make them weaker. Without truth, there is nothing solid to stand on.

Seasoned leaders understand something different. They are not reckless with people, but they are not overly precious either. They see potential and name what’s missing in service of development. Even if it creates tension.

And oddly enough, this reminds me of gardening.

When I first started gardening during the pandemic, I was so careful with my plants. Afraid to prune too much. Afraid to move them. Afraid I might damage something.

Then I worked with a landscaper. I watched them dig plants out of the ground without hesitation, cut things back aggressively, and relocate anything that wasn’t thriving. No drama. No overthinking.  

At first, I was bothered. What about the shock? The stress? Maybe it will hurt them? But the plants were fine. In fact, they became stronger, healthier, and better positioned to grow.

We're all learning how to handle each other with sturdier hands. Your people - whether it's your employees, a child, or the waiter who got your order wrong - are not as fragile as you think. When handled with care and honesty, feedback doesn’t diminish them. It makes them better.

If you’re leading right now, consider this: Where are you being destructively gentle? What conversation are you avoiding? And what might become possible if you trusted their strength a little more?

If you’re ready to lead with more clarity, courage, and impact, let’s talk about coaching. And if you want your team to learn how to master difficult conversations, reach out to explore my workshops and keynotes on this topic.

P.S. The picture of a magical floral moment is not from my backyard but rather the Orchid Show at the NY Botanical Garden many years ago.

P.P.S. Frequent and specific positive feedback is just as important, more on that next week!

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